THEME SONG: Toxic Crusaders, Toxic Crusaders,
I had no friends, no girls that hugged
me so I got radioactive ugly.
Toxic Crusaders, Toxic Crusaders!
I live in a dump, 'causethe rent's real low.
Got a little pet [inaudible], and he loves me so!
Toxic Crusaders, Toxic Crusaders!
Now me and the boys fight against wrong.
Oh, we're hideously deformed.
Hey, I'm sittin' on top of the world with my [inaudible].
Wow!
Toxic Crusaders, Toxic Crusaders, Toxic!
TOXIE (VOICEOVER): It was a peaceful day in the toxic dump.
We were all getting ready to go to the Tromoville
Pier, where Yvonne was scheduled to give a singing recital.
We were all kind of nervous and high strung.
Now-- let's see now.
Is it right over left or left over right,
or is that for a sheep shank caffage?
Are you sure you know how to tie a bow tie, Fender?
No sweat, Bender.
Before I got stuck with you, I was a total party animal.
Ugh, sorry, Doc, I guess I lost my touch.
Ever since I washed my helmet, I can't do a thing with it.
MRS. JUNKO: Oh, I wish you people
would quick hogging the mirror.
I need time to make myself beautiful for Ivonne's recital.
Forget it, Toxie's mom.
We don't have until next St. Bernard's Day.
MRS. JUNKO: Oh, such times we're living in, when a dog can talk
back to a superhero's mother.
Speaking of the head talks man, where is the dude?
He's the star of the show, fungus brain.
He's allowed to make a grand entrance if he wants to.
[drum roll]
Hi, everyone.
I came to let you wish me good luck with my concert.
Well sure, Yvonne, break your leg.
If you're lucky, they might replace it with a wheel,
just like mine.
Let's hear you test those angelic pipes of yours, honey.
[singing]
[plates crashing]
TOXIE: I feel kind of funny wearing a tuxedo, but after all
how many times will my girlfriend Yvonne
get a chance to sing in public?
In her case, probably just once.
What happened, No-Zone?
Oh, Yvonne hit one of her high notes.
Now that can really be a low note.
Uh, tell me about it.
TOXIE (VOICEOVER): Meanwhile, on the Tromoville Bridge,
something was about to happen that would
affect all of our lives.
You see, there was this racing car driven by that world
famous race driver Crash Shelby on his way
to the Tromoville grand prix.
But the prix was not to be, because a moving van was
on the bridge ahead of them.
Yeah, honey, I'll stop at the diet drive-in on the way home.
TOXIE (VOICEOVER): I guess the driver didn't
notice the sign warning him not to throw
banana peels on the bridge.
[crash]
TOXIE (VOICEOVER): It looked like Crash was about to break
another speed record, along with his skull,
when suddenly a strange thing happened.
He landed in a fishing boat loaded with snails.
It seems the combination of snail shells
and engine oil yielded a weird chemical
reaction, along with an even weirder
kind of cross-bred mutant.
Oh no, I've changed into some hideously deformed creature of
superhuman size and strength.
And I look like a snail.
Oh well, I might as well make the most of it.
Under the circumstances, I think I'll call myself Snail Man!
Now all I need is a good battle cry.
I've got it.
Let's escort Go--
TOXIE (VOICEOVER): Meanwhile, on Island City,
Czar Zosta was paying Doctor Killemoff a visit.
CZAR ZOSTA: Well, Killemoff, what's
the latest on my underwater Aqua Filther project?
DR. KILLEMOFF: Everything is going
swimmingly, Your Czarship.
But now that it's completed, what will it be used for?
I'll show you.
But pay attention.
There'll be a quiz later.
We have developed a method of manufacturing
that annoying plastic foam stuff that your VCR is packed
in that you can never figure out how could you read that,
and we plan to pollute all of Tromoville with it,
driving out the citizens and populating the city
with our own smogulent hoard.
Bravo, Czar Zosta.
I love it.
Like you had some kind of choice.
Now, I'll need some men for a special assignment.
I have just the people, Your High and Mightiness.
Bonehead!
Psycho!
--Ughh, I was afraid you'd say that.
TOXIE (VOICEOVER): And all the while,
Snail Man was trying to adjust to his new life as a mollusk.
Look, Harry, a guy who's half raisin cod, half snail.
Yeah, you don't know whether to step on the gas
or to step on him.
[laughter]
People can be so cruel.
I must find a way to bring dignity and respect to my life.
There's the answer, a plumber's helper's plant.
This is it.
The place where I will carve out a newer life for myself.
No longer will anyone dare make fun of--
THEME SONG: Snail Man.
Snail Man!
It is kind of a catchy tune.
DR. KILLEMOFF: Here they are, Your Czarship.
The perfect volunteers for your special assignment.
You better be right, Killemoff.
Listen, you mutant misfits.
In order for the Aqua Filther to create
its plastic foam pollution, it needs filth and lots of it.
Filth?
You know, dirt, gunk, Schmutz.
Sure, boss, Schmutz is our specialty.
The problem is those blasted Toxic Crusaders.
We keep dirtying Tromoville and they keep cleaning it up.
Yeah, they got this real hangup about pollution.
That's why I want you and the Radiation Rangers
to invade the toxic dump and bring back every scrap of filth
you can lay your hands on.
Do you think you can handle it?
No sweat, Zarro, buddy.
Bonehead knows dirt.
TOXIE (VOICEOVER): While all this was happening,
Snail Man was practicing hour after hour,
learning everything there is to know about handling
a plumber's helper.
With these new found skills, Snail Man was
now ready to face the world.
Back at the dump, we were finally dressed
and on the way to Yvonne's concert
when a strange vehicle pulled up at our shack.
Oh, Toxie, you rented us a limousine.
So, what did you expect?
My little Toxie is a limo kind of guy.
Uh-oh, Tr--tromoton alert.
What is it, Toxie?
It's when my tromotons are telling me
we're in the presence of some evil danger.
No, dude, Bender means what kind of danger.
Heck, whatever it is, usToxic Crusaders can handle it.
No, Junkyard, don't open that door!
[scream]
Radiation Rangers!
NARRATOR: And now, these messages.
NARRATOR: And now, we turn to the Toxic Crusaders.
TOXIE (VOICEOVER): As we watched,
dozens and dozens of Radiation Rangers kept
climbing out of the limousine.
Oh wow, how neat!
I think I once saw this in the circus.
I think I once saw you in a circus.
Let them start something.
We're ready for them.
Wait, Crusaders, you can't fight them.
Why not, Toxie's mom?
You think there's too many of them?
Did we suddenly lose our superpowers?
Is the episode over?
No!
You can't fight them because you're
wearing your best clothes!
It's OK, Mom.
They're rented.
Oh, well in that case, get down and dirty.
[firing]
TOXIE (VOICEOVER): The battle wasn't going too well,
and the bad guys-- mainly Psycho and Bonehead-- knew it.
(LAUGHING EVILLY) We got the Toxic Crusaders
right where we want them.
Yeah, down in the dumps.
OK, Radiation Rangers, charge!
TOXIE (VOICEOVER): Like I said, things were going badly for us,
especially for Mom, when suddenly--
THEME MUSIC: Snail Man!
That music sounds awfully familiar.
Maybe this is a re-run.
THEME MUSIC: Snail Man!
SNAIL MAN: Don't worry, Snail Man will
help you fight these bad guys.
Snail Man?
Where did he come from?
TOXIE (VOICEOVER): Tromoville River.
It seems the combination of snail shells
and engine oil created a weird chemical reaction.
Now that part I know I heard before.
I bet he's great to play fetch with.
He never loses the ball.
Don't just stand there, you metal morons.
Blast that tree.
Pardon my back.
--Gahhh, get it out, quit it!
I believe "Seize fire" is the phrase he's searching for.
Oh right.
Seize fired!
Why can't we get to fight some normal human beings?
Who would ever watcha show like that?
Oooo, radical.
The dude's shell is harder than-- than--
I believe my head is the phrase you're searching for.
Oh, right, harder than your head.
It's time to slime.
Now the guy's got super snail slime sludge too.
I'm impressed.
And I'm impressed that you could pronounce it .
Personally, this has been one of the more
embarrassing episodes for me.
Who was that thing with the plunger?
I don't know.
But the last thing this show needs
is another hideously deformed creature of superhuman size
and strength.
Get him off, I'm losing my gentle disposition.
Bonehead and Psycho have failed, as if I didn't expect it.
Now, where are we going to get filth for my Aqua Filther?
Never fear, Your Bugship.
I just had a brilliant idea.
The moment the Tromoville garbage barge
passes directly over our underwater sludge quarters,
I'll torpedo it.
That will give us all the trash we'll need.
Are you certain it will work, Killemoff?
You have my word as a doctor on it.
TOXIE (VOICEOVER): It turned out that there were still
a few hours left on the limo the Radiation Rangers had rented
for the attack on us, sowe decided to drive it
to Yvonne's recital.
SNAIL MAN: And I fell off the bridge and onto that barge
and that's how I became Snail Man.
TOXIE (VOICEOVER): The casual ride
gave us a chance to get acquainted
with our new friend Snail Man.
Faster, Toxie's mom, faster!
I live for speed.
Fine words coming from a snail.
SNAIL MAN: Wow, way to go Toxie's mom!
Floor it!
Well, I hope everyone has his, her, or its seat belt on.
Say, Snail Man.
You're a hideously deformed creature
of superhuman size and strength who also
had an environmental accident.
Why not become a Toxic Crusader?
Move in with us here at our beautiful dump.
Righteous notion, No-Zone.
NO-ZONE: Yeah, and your super suction plungers
would sure be helpful with our toxic plumbing problems.
It's a mighty tempting offer, guys, but since my mutation
I'm strictly a creature of H2O.
MRS. JUNKO: Okay, everyone, we're here.
What perfect timing.
The ride gave us just enough time to learn a little
of Snail Man's back story.
TOXIE (VOICEOVER): Somehow, we made it
safely to the end of the pier.
It was kind of sad saying goodbye
to our new friend Snail Man.
Sure you won't change your mind, Snail Man?
We could build you your own toxic wading pool.
Thanks, Crusaders, but my place is
with other underwater creatures like myself.
See you around-- [splash]
Now there's a fellow who knows how to make a splash.
TOXIE (VOICEOVER): Meanwhile, deep below the Tromoville
Harbor, Doctor Killemoffs' evil plan was being put into action.
As for those containers the Radiation
Rangers are setting up, I have no idea what they're for.
You'll find out soon enough, my fine toxic twerp.
Psycho, Bonehead, prepare the sludge peels for firing.
It's garbage time.
Step right up, culture lovers.
And have your dollar bills ready.
Remember, all money collected from this concert
goes to a very good end.
NO-ZONE: This is Yvonne's first music recital.
Oooo, I hope she's not nervous.
She'll be fine, No-Zone.
Mom's backstage with her.
Now, remember to dance around, sweetie.
You want to be a moving target when all those vegetables come
flying in.
And believe me, they will.
Oh, Toxie's mom, you're such a comfort.
Awww, honey.
Now go out there and knock them dead.
TOXIE (VOICEOVER): But at that very moment,
Killemoff was starting the countdown
for the smogulent sludge-pedo.
DR. KILLEMOFF: Ten, nine, eight, seven, six--
and what comes before six?
Three?
Or is it twelve?
Don't ask me, you're the scholar of the group.
It's fine, you dipstick.
Five, four, three, fire slug-pedo!
Close enough.
NARRATOR: And now, these messages.
TOXIE (VOICEOVER:) When we last saw Doctor
Killemoff's sludge-pedo it was headed
straight for the Tromoville garbage barge.
It was all part of Czar Zosta's plan to smother Tromoville
with that white plastic foam stuff that VCRs come packed in
and no one knows how to get rid of.
I know this is a lot of recapping,
but you kind of forget the story when you stop
for a bunch of commercials.
Meanwhile, the lovely Yvonne was about to make
her public singing debut.
I don't want to brag, but everyone who was anyone
was there.
It was the social event of the season, which gives you an idea
of a social life in Tromoville.
Finally, the big moment arrived.
(CLEARING THROAT) Hi, I'd like to start my recital with
an original song I just made up and it
goes something like this.
(SINGING) Oh I wrote this little song
and if you want to sing along I'd love to let you
but you really shouldn't try.
You could hurt yourself by singing way too high.
[crash]
Oh man, what an awesome note.
Suddenly, I found myself having another full-fledged tromoton
attack.
Look, fellows, Toxie's having another full-fledged tromoton
attack.
And like he's added some new moves.
Yeah, go Tox-man, go.
[crash]
What is it, Toxie?
It wasn't Yvonne's singing that caused
the garbage barge to blow up.
It was something evil out there in the water.
Lloyd, look, the Tromoville garbage barge is
leaking refuse into our harbor.
Oh, this is awful.
Fellows, this looks like a job for the Toxic Crusaders.
Stop!
How many times must I tell you you've
got to wait at least fifteen minutes
after eating before going into the water to fight bad guys.
[all talking]
No, sorry, sorry, those are the rules.
TOXIE (VOICEOVER): While we were waiting to digest our peanuts,
Doctor Killemoff was carrying out his evil scheme.
DR. KILLEMOFF: Czar Zosta, this is a historic moment.
Just watch as the Tromoville garbage
is sucked into the Aqua Filther's sludge quarters
by way of our specially constructed filth follow.
And now, my faithful Radiation Rangers
use the latest technology to trans-smogify
the garbage into the that white plastic foam stuff.
Please, Mom, you got to let us swim out to that garbage barge.
Doctor Killemoff is planning to smother
Tromoville in that white plastic foam stuff.
Yeah, yeah, I heard the voiceover.
But I've got a better idea.
Look!
TOXIE: The Toxic Wing?
MRS. JUNKO: Yeah!
I asked the ladies from my Mahjong club to fly it over.
Now are you happy?
Happy?
If you weren't my mom, I'd kiss you!
TOXIE (VOICEOVER): Meanwhile, Doctor Killemoff
himself came down to the garbage barge
to supervise the operation.
PSYCHO: I'm not getting paid enough to work with garbage.
Hey!
I resemble that remark.
It looks like my plague is a huge success.
Soon we'll have enough garbage to filthify all of Tromoville.
Unless the Toxic Crusaders come flying out
here on one of Bender's whacked-out inventions.
Psycho, I'm going to forget you ever said that.
Said what, sea boy?
I forgot it also.
Good!
Now hurry with that filthifying process.
[all talking]
Wow!
Slow down man!
I think I'm going to be air sick.
Not in my doggy bag you won't.
MAJOR DISASTER: Target sighted.
No-Zone, prepare to land.
In all that garbage?
With my allergies?
No way, Major Disaster.
Seaweed and kelp, give us some help!
NO-ZONE: Oh, wow, dynamite trick Mr. Major, man.
Yes, sometimes I even amaze myself.
Come on, fellows.
Let's shake a leg.
I've sure had lots of practice doing that.
Look, Bard, it's the Toxic Crusaders
and they're flying on one of Bender's
whacked-out inventions.
Notice, I'm not saying a word.
Well, don't just stand there, you cretins!
Fight them off.
Radiation Rangers, hit the deck.
Enemy troops at three o'clock.
It's only 11:30.
Maybe we ought to come back later.
This is the part I really dig.
Attention, seaweed, you know what we need.
What do you say Bob?
Shall we swap a few slobs?
Psycho, Bonehead, you two stay and defend
the garbage barge at all costs.
If you need me, I'll be in my impenetrable bunker
60 feet below the ground.
Now where have I heard that before?
TOXIE (VOICEOVER): But suddenly, the tide of battle
turned against us.
The Radiation Rangers were getting the upper hand,
while back on the pier Mayor Grody was
cashing in on the big battle.
Get your binoculars out.
You can't see the blood shed without a binocular.
TOXIE (VOICEOVER): It looked like the end
of the Toxic Crusaders, when suddenly [theme music]
It was Snail Man, coming to my rescue.
Snail Man, am I glad to see you!
Wow, you snails really know how to slug.
That's nothing.
Watch this!
Thanks, Snail Man, for everything.
Hey, us hideously deformed creatures
of superhuman size and strength have to stick together.
Ooooo, yeah, I see what you mean.
But wait, my job here isn't finished yet.
I got to remove this garbage maker
from my new underwater domain.
Besides polluting the harbor, it's bringing down
real estate value.
This will take all of my 240 horsepower.
[crash]
There.
Now to dump this thing where it belongs,
on the shores of Island City.
TOXIE (VOICEOVER): As usual, Killemoff
got chewed out by Czar Zosta.
Killemoff, you screwed up again.
You will pay dearly for this.
In that case, there's only one thing left to do.
Bonehead, Psycho, you screwed up again.
You will pay dearly for this.
Okay, boss, how much is it this time?
Let's see, there's $50 for shame and degradation,
another $50 for pain and humiliation
and $75 for distress and aggravation.
[cheering]
TOXIE: Thank you, faithful citizens of Tromoville,
but the cheers aren't necessary.
Though they are kind of nice.
It was our job to make Tromoville safe and free
from environmental hazards.
And now-- shhhh-- now that the threat to Tromoville
was taken care of, we could continue with Yvonne's concert.
[clears throat]
As I was singing before I was interrupted, [singing]
Oh, I wrote this little song and if you want to sing along,
I'd love to let you but you really shouldn't try.
You could hurt yourself by singing way too high!
[crash]
TOXIE (VOICEOVER): Sorry about your TV sets, folks.
We'll try and get them repaired before the next episode
of [drum roll] the Toxic Crusaders.
[theme music]